I’m not into kids. They’re just not my thing. That doesn’t mean that I don’t like you if you have them, I just don’t want any. The thing that I don’t get is, if you like kids, and you want them, why can’t you understand if someone else doesn’t? It’s the exact same feeling in reverse. But everyone says the same thing, you’ll feel different when they’re yours. Does that make sense? At all? What if I was dumb enough to say “maybe your right, I might feel different when they’re mine”. Then I have a kid and realize that they were wrong. It’s not like I could give it back.

Also, don’t take offense if I don’t want to hold your kid. It’s not you, or your kid, it’s simply not my thing. When I tell you ahead of time that I don’t like kids, why do you act suprised when I don’t want to hold yours? That’s like you telling me you hate hamburgers, and a week later, me being suprised when you won’t eat one that I barbequed.

This little rant was inspired a couple of situations at work. One, someone brought their kid in and asked if I wanted to hold it. They seemed totally offended when I said no. Whatever, they knew I didn’t like kids. I think they thought that by holding their child, it would somehow change my feelings for kids. Like the ghost of Christmas past, trying to change this Scrooge’s feelings.

Bah Humbug.

Two, and slightly more entertaining, someone came into my office yesterday and said “did you hear the big news?” I said no, and they said “our kid did their first somersault yesterday!”

….

I had no idea how to respond to that. I said, wow, I’m sorry to hear that. They okay? They went on to inform me that it is actually a good thing.

My point is, I don’t get kids. And I don’t want to get them. If you love kids, great. Good for you. I hope you have as many happy, healthy babies as you want. Just don’t look at me with that deer in the headlights look, when I tell you that I don’t want any. Which is always followed up with the question, “ever?” Yes, ever. I’m far to selfish for children, and smart enough to admit that, despite all the shit everyone gives me for it.

I’m going to start asking people to adopt Anacondas as pets. When they say that they don’t want to live with something like that, I’m going to look at them in amazement and ask, “ever”?

PS
No, I’m not comparing your kids to Anaconda’s. It’s just an analogy.