Okay, so I’m home, minding my own business I might add, and all of a sudden, I hear Kel screaming bloody murder in the backyard.

Wait a second, what the hell does that mean “screaming bloody murder”? I mean, why not screaming “terrible car crash” or “screaming giant shark attack”?

Anyway, so Kels outside screaming “giant shark attack”. I run outside, expecting who knows what. I get out on the patio, and Kel runs up to me white as a ghost. I ask her what’s wrong and she says:
“THERE IS A GIANT RAT IN THE POOL FILTER!!”
I say: “WHAT?!?”
She repeats: “A GIANT RAT IN THE FILTER!”

At this point, I’m less concerned with something in the filter, and more concerned with the possibility of a big ass rat at our house. To me, that’s a bigger problem, and it would equal, time to get the fuck out of Warren.

I say: “Are you sure it’s a rat?”
She says: “I don’t know what the hell it is, it’s big and fuzzy and in the filter!”

She was a little frazzled. So I go over to pool at which point I decided that I was going to look down on it from the the deck. One, in case it’s alive, I don’t want it jumping on my face like in Alien, and two, to get a good look at what it is. (the catch for the filter, which is where this thing is stuck, is right next to the deck)

Well, I’m happy to say, it wasn’t a rat. It was, however, a big ass squirrel. We have this huge tree in our yard, kind of next to the pool. It’s about 15 feet away, but the branches hang over the pool. Apparently, this squirrel wasn’t as sure-footed as it thought, and it fell from the tree and landed in the pool. Now, it would appear that squirrels can’t swim.

I now, after all these years, completely understand that old video of the water skiing squirrel. The little bastard was too afraid to get off the skis, because it knew it would die.

Best guess is, it drowned in the pool, and then got sucked in the filter catch. So Kel says that she isn’t going to touch it. Now me, being the man of the house, born and raised in the suburbs of Detroit, I stated that there was no friggin way I was going to touch it. I’m not out-doorsy. It’s not my thing. I camp at the Holiday Inn. If, by some weird nuero-knee jerk reaction that happens to squirrels when they drown, I grabbed this thing, and it fucking moved, I’d lose it. Let’s just say that is a future therapy bill I just don’t need.

However, getting it out, and touching it are two different things. I may not be back-woodsy, but I’m smart. So I went in the garage, got a hook (I need it for my heater in there) and hooked the trap in the filter catch, and pulled the whole thing out. We then dumped the trap in a bag, then bagged that bag in a freezer bag, then bagged that bag in another bag. Our garbage pickup isn’t till next week, and we don’t want dead squirrel smell attracting any other animals, or just lingering outside since I would imagine, it’s not pleasant.

It would appear that my backyard is a death trap for small fuzzy animals. If you know any, tell them to stay away. If the lawn mower doesn’t get them, the pool will.

You need speakers for this, but seriously, how cool is this bird?

Kick ass bird!